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BUY ONE
They say buy one, but it does not end there. The statement has three parts, and buy one is only the first part of a three-part series. Part two states, and get the second one free. So far, so good. But the killer is coming down the pike. The nerve-jangling sequence, the final addendum, is the killer with one design, and that is to slit your throat and rob you deaf, dumb, and blind. And what is that third part, pray tell us, dear old Benjamin? What is that third part designed to decimate us, designed to send us to the poorhouse? After all, they are offering a second one for free if we buy the first one. Well. It is this. They tell us to just pay a separate fee. Huh? What? A separate fee, you say? A separate fee of how much? And here is the rub. They don't tell you. Or at least not at first. Ah, entrapment, it does have its allure, does it not? I have never asked. I have never delved that far into their money pit. One false step, and I fall into the devil's wealth-sucking chambers. Of course, this all leads to my life-saving philosophy. If they start offering you something for nothing, run as if Beelzebub himself were chasing you. Let that serpent grab your ankles, and he will drag you down under faster than you can say I'll pay, I'll pay. Equity? Fair play? Justice? And yada yada yada? Surely you jest, you birdbrained young thang. Pay an extra mysterious fee while we refuse to tell you what it is as we drag you, hands bound, to the poorhouse while promising you only illusions of free merchandise. When it comes to them or those that advertise too good to be true merchandise, keep in mind that if it sounds too good to be true, it surely is too good to be true. If it sounds dishonest, it surely is dishonest. If it sounds like a scam, it surely is a scam. For that is what they do best, in the good old United States of America. Cheat? Falsify? Misstate, warp, pad, stretch, dodge, evade? Yes, siree, babaloo. This is not only our way. It is the world's way. It is the way of all mortal, living, thinking things. And most of all, it is the human way. Oh joy, oh joy. Here. Read this. No charge. Just pay a separate fee.
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